School: What On Earth Am I Doing Here?

Note: This is supposedly a drama story self-reflection paper I wrote for my subject Database Management System. I don't know if my written composition conforms to that of a reflection paper.

Scribble. Write. Erase. Scribble some more. It’s not as easy as it seems you know. Studying, I mean. It’s a big challenge, especially to those taking the long, treacherous road of engineering (no pun intended).

Growing up from a family with great financial shortcomings, I was trained early to learn how to get by with life in a different way. If I want something, I must work hard for it, in one way or another. My mom said that if I want to get the life I want, I must study hard. Consider education as a gift, she tells me, for it is something that many people cannot afford to experience, just because. Keeping Mom’s words in my thoughts and actions, I managed to stay this long to finish the race that started fifteen years ago, in a kindergarten school a couple of blocks away from our house.

“Once you've made up your mind, the only thing that separates you from your dream is your fear.”

Fifteen years of lecture writing, solving bacterial growth rate, memorizing the Periodic Table, differentiating blue from red, reciting Newton’s First Law of Motion, appointments with the guidance counselor, throwing crumpled paper on my seatmate, and struggling to survive yet another year of studying, not to mention saving up for the enormous school fees and expenses. So far, this is how I spent three-fourths of the time I have spent in this world (So far, OK?). It felt easy when you keep your future plans in mind, so as to give you the determination of finishing it up to the very last day of class. “Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius,” as Arthur Conan Doyle, Sr. said. This is, I believe, what sets me apart from most people. I dream what is high; I plan on what is higher; I do everything to achieve the highest. This attitude has helped me cross various obstructions and obstacles I have faced.

“Once you've made up your mind, the only thing that separates you from your dream is your fear.” True enough, it is the fear of the unknown that caught me off guard, occasionally. Needless to say, I was really doing well in school, modesty aside. But as I encountered problems left and right, there came a time that I considered education as more of a burden than a gift that I always treasured; there were days when I went to school just for the sake of doing it. Those were times of superficial happiness. I was happy on the outside; a dark, frail Kiel carefully hides his true self inside. Instead of concerning myself with academic activities, I diverted my focus onto my personal struggles. Whining is something I am really good at. What I did all those times was to project a ‘Helpless Little Me’ effect, instead of working on it, as I would have originally done. It’s just that sometimes I feel that it’s just too much. Suddenly, I realized what is obvious from the: I must help myself from the inside, without expecting any help outside. I have made a fool of myself, I thought.

“To get the life that you want does not depend on what you have -- it’s what you do with what you have.”

With only one year left before I join the corporate world, I still feel the need of time- lots and lots of it. If only I had helped myself during those times. If only I had the strength and willingness to study further, to reinstate my once –high standards in life. As they say, it’s better to be late than never. I think I’ll just go with the ‘late’ thingy, than to suffer the consequences that ‘never’ can inflict upon my future. Using my remaining time in school would probably not compensate the times I have wasted, but I shall use it to redeem myself. As the TV commercial goes, “To get the life that you want does not depend on what you have -- it’s what you do with what you have.”

In the end, it all goes down to finishing the race I started. I may have stumbled ten times, but I must get up eleven times. If I must fall, I shall fall forward, to gain something from it. That’s how things work, right?

Wanna Walk With Kiel?

Looking at the poorly lit signage of Sea Oil gas station gave me a sense of fulfillment; its mere presence marked yet another completion of an impromptu mission- to do a leisure walk from Pasig Church all the way to our doorstep. Once again, I have proved that I can accomplish everything that I pursue, from the simplest of tasks to the most complex and intertwined jobs. Modesty aside, OK?

Honestly speaking, this wasn't my first time of doing such thing. One time, I was forced to walk the same route because people are commemorating the Holy Week; the streets were jam-packed with devotees, snatchers, bystanders- people from all walks of life. There's this one time that I left my coin purse inside the FX taxi, leaving me no choice but to repeat the same scenario. This time, I did it out of intuition. I just felt the need to lose some tension though walking. That's what made this time different from the past.

"Once again, I have proved that I can accomplish everything that I pursue, from the simplest of tasks to the most complex and intertwined jobs."

From an online site I've visited minutes after I arrived, I found out that by walking a three-mile route for sixty minutes, I burned approximately three hundred calories. This may not provide as much efficiency compared to other forms of exercises, but it has its benefits. I find walking as a relaxing way to reflect on things. By relaxing I mean enduring the heat of the sun and your whining feet, not to mention the sweat running all over the body. I only have myself to talk with during the sixty-minute period, which made me feel better. I can freely wander around the city without hesitation. By walking, one may look into the things most people tend to ignore. Narrow roads, sidewalks that resemble rocky mountain terrains, canals, creeks, and rivers that serve as the people's sewerage system, vehicles huffing and puffing poisonous gases- these are some faces of our society that can be easily seen, yet it's as if no one bothers to complain, or notice, at the very least.

Believe it or not, walking is the best way to do some "sight-seeing," if you know what I mean. As I started walking, I saw several OHs! walking past me, which made the whole thing easier to finish. The more inspiration you get, the more perspiration you're willing to lose (LOL). But suddenly, my heart thumped faster, my breathing uneven. I saw my long-time crush! Let's just call him Crush, because I don't know his name. Yet (^.^). We walked the same streets, saw the same scenes, smelled the same scents, and heard the same noise- on the opposite sides of the street (I was kinda scared to walk near him). The very sight of him made my day. It's the best day ever... (Spongebob's song fading out)

You see? I told you leisure walks are sure fun to do. Until my next post, then. Back to study mode. :)

Kiel In The Middle

"Life is not just black and white. It has hues and colors in between, which makes it GAY." This is what most people tend to ignore since the dawn of our era. As far as the human race is concerned, gays and lesbians are considered as "the cancer of the society," so to speak. True enough, we have received much love and affection for the past couple of decades, as compared to the harsh treatment our kind had endured for how many years, but still, there are people with a narrow way of thinking about life.

But what is homosexuality, really? It is clinical term first used over a century ago, often used inaccurately, to label people who are emotional, physically, and/or sexually attracted or committed to members of the same sex. Used appropriately, it refers to affection and or sexual behavior between people of the same sex.

There isn't a single dictionary that confined gays as incapable of doing men's jobs, or people who can only work in salons or spas. As a matter of fact, we have already played a significant role in our society, and I am confident to say that without us, it wouldn't be that easy to attain what we all have now. In almost every field of our society, we have been growing in numbers, thriving to live just as any normal would do.

"Life is not just black and white. It has hues and colors in between, which makes it GAY."

We give color to this world. This is, I believe, our greatest strength. No one can argue with that. Even in the worst of times, we are hardly seen lonely. We live a life full of happiness. Personally, I look at my problems in a positive point of view. I take them as challenges that will hone me to be the best that I can. This is our advantage against straight people. We laugh at our problems, but we deal with them seriously.

I have never regretted the day I came out of my shell. It is who I really am, and no one can ever change that. But still, I get this feeling of being an alien to others, as if homosexuality is a vast barrier that kept me from them.

I am in the middle; Kiel is in the middle. I am neither a man nor woman; I can have the strength and agility of a man and the humility and grace of a woman. I can enjoy both worlds without limitations- literally!

I want people to understand that sexual preference is just a thing that all of us have to live with. It does not define a person's capabilities and limitations. A person is who he wants to be, regardless of any social status. I am not asking for everyone to like us. At the very least, treat us as you would treat others.

"I can enjoy both worlds without limitations -- literally!"

It's nerve-wracking to be typecast as someone who isn't me. I live up my life to my expectations, not other people's. I can be a famous, well-respected and wealthy person, even with people telling me I can’t. I am Kielicious. Period.

Broken Mirror

Note: This is a note I've posted on Facebook on May 31, 2010. I just though of sharing it with you guys.
*Over the past few months, I have experienced tragedy after tragedy. It's as if there's no ending to this misery in my heart.
*Last night, I dreamed about Daddy and Tatay. My dad's alive in there. He's ALIVE! I was crying, and clinging onto him. I wanted to see my dad. I wanted to tell him that I LOVE HIM. I wanted to say that I REALLY AM SORRY.
*I'd rather be the poorest amongst the poor, if that's the price to pay to complete my family once again. I miss the old times. Times of pain and sorrow. But those were also times of completeness. We used to be complete, but because of that stupid Chronic Cardiorespiratory Arrest, I am now living the life that I never, ever in my entire life, wildly dreamed about.
*Had I known that he was about to be taken away from us, I should have stayed by his side. I should have comforted my dad. But I was in a mall, enjoying with my friends, not even knowing what's waiting for me once I get home.
*I promised myself that I will give Nanay and Tatay the life that they have yet to experience. I wanted to give them happy memories while they're still here. But Tatay already left us. It can't be helped.
*When Tatay was brought to the hospital because he was getting weaker by the minute, I tried visiting him. But once again, my moronic fear prevented me from doing so. I was afraid that the same thing might happen all over again. I wanted to see him, but why do I have to act stupid in times like that?
*Barely three months have passed since my Dad, well, died. I was awakened by my cousin's troubled voice over the phone. My greatest fears at that time turned into reality.
*January 8, 2010. April 9, 2010. These are two dates that I shall never forget. Not because of happy memories, but because of a great wave of pain, unfathomable pain.
*I want to do everything. To have a good job. To be financially stable. I want to help my family to move on with our lives.
*I want to find a job. NOW. I do not want to be a financial burden anymore. In two days' time, I will be twenty years old. But I am scared to combine school and work. I am scared to take a lot of responsibility.
*I have no time to be scared right now. I have to be strong. I just have to. But sometimes, I just can't take it anymore. I have my own limits, you know.
*Two days from now, I will have my first birthday without Daddy and Tatay.
*They say that nineteen is the most dangerous age, but for me, it is the saddest of all ages.
*You might think that this is just the birthday blues that's gotten into me. But if one experiences birthday blues everyday, well I guess you're correct.

It's Purplish!

Nothing risked, nothing gained." This is basically who Kielicious is. Also widely known as Kiel, Kieli, Kevin, Raymond, and even Agut (which is my surname), I am now trying to conquer the digital world of internet- one keyboard key at a time. Risking my identity to those good-for-nothing hackers, what good would this blog-thingy give me?
I really don't know the answer. Maybe because I want to leave a trace of my entity in a digital form. I wanted to do something that would free myself of any hidden feelings. I wanted to tell the world who I really am- without hesitation. This is a great stress reliever, I guess.
"Nothing risked, nothing gained."
Starting off, I would like to formally introduce myself. Raymond Kevin Mauricio-Agut, nineteen, I mean twenty years of age (sorry, I never got the hang of remembering my current age), a 5th year Computer Engineering student of PUP Sta. Mesa. Here's a random list of things that I think constitutes the name Kielicious:

• Basically a happy person, I also tend to show my mean side when it is needed. Don't worry, I won't bite you guys (for now).
• Book is my first love, since I was a little kid. Give me a piece of paper that says something and I'll read it without up to the tiniest remarks.
• Music fascinates me. It gives me a sense of freshness- helping me start from scratch once more. I believe that it has some kind of emotional healing effect.
• I am a certified KPop fanatic. I've been surfing the Korean Wave for a little over a year now. I'm also trying to learn how to read, speak and write in Hangul.
• I love SNSD. SONEs hwaiting!
• My greatest achievement is losing weight. Apparently, gaining weight after losing it is my greatest failure.
• I hate Math (or is it the other way around?). But here I am, studying computer engineering, which deals with math almost all the time.
• I love history. Learning how the human race started off from the human-like features of the Australopithecus to the most destructive wars of the 20th Century, it's as if I lived to know it all.
• I am addicted to dance arcade games like Dance Dance Revolution and Pump It Up. This is the best way to lose weight effectively, not to mention it's also cost-friendly.
• My dream is to live a life without regrets.
• My Favorite color is purple. It gave color to my once-dull life.
• No matter what happens, I'll still be Kielicious. You can't force me to become someone else. You just can't (hmmm..).

To learn new things is a great experience that one must cherish. I hope that I could share some new ideas with you guys in the future. Remember this: Fighting!